Reconciling My Life



There were a few weeks back there in August where I felt like I was just...sinking. I was in need of something, yet I didn't know exactly what that something was. Insert my husbands departure and I decided to chase after a break through. I can proudly say, I believe I have experienced one. A break through that is.

As horrible as it sounds, I was not all that happy with my role as "mom". I love my son and I love my family but the day to day and the level of commitment required to care for a little one was so overwhelming that I found myself extremely dissatisfied with my new role. Any new mom will tell you, there is nothing that can prepare you for the drastic change that occurs when you introduce a child into your life. So, for a long while, I have tried to contain my new role as mom and keep it from taking over my life too much. ( I know that sounds crazy!) I wanted to still be able to accomplish all the goals I had set for my life (in the time frame I wanted) while still being a fabulous mommy. I have tried to keep mommy in one box and all my other life goals in another box.

No matter how hard I tried it seemed like the mommy box kept expanding and it was consuming all the time and energy I had, leaving nothing to go into the ever shrinking "goal accomplishing" box. Because I was trying so hard to keep these things independent of each other, I found myself very unhappy in the role of mom because it was (in essence) keeping me from my goals.

Then, somehow, someway, Sunday night I thought, "They don't have to be in opposition of each other!They can live in harmony!" (The two boxes, that is.)

Previously, I had a picture in my mind of what success would look like. And I have put all my energy into making that picture a reality. That picture is what has kept me in this constant struggle. That picture was the pre-baby edition. Now that I am post baby, that picture needs an update. But, for the three years that I have had my son, I have not made that update. I've just been trying to squeeze my old picture into the new situation. It was much like trying to wear a pair of size six jeans when you have clearly been promoted to a size eight. Of course you would come to despise the extra weight you have put on, it is what's holding you back from wearing the jeans you so desperately want to fit into. But if there is no way on earth for you to lose those extra pounds, how long are you going to try to squeeze into the six before you just buy a new pair and rock those?! 

How long have I been trying to squeeze into that six when I am clearly an eight and will be an eight for the rest of my life? It is time for me to buy the eight and be fab in those!

Sunday night, I thought, "Sunshine you are a mom. Your son is home with you. Even though you wanted to be able to work a 'regular' schedule without a child sitting in your office or demanding that you play train with him and sing humpty dumpty... Guess what! You are a mom! And you have the pleasure of being home with him right now and working from home. You can teach him and love him and experience him while still going after what you want! Will it be easy? Will it be the same as being able to work totally uninterrupted? No! But do you want your new picture of success?Then make it work. And stop trying to separate the two parts of you. Reconcile them and find a way to have them live in harmony with each other."

I feel so much more peace. I cannot tell you what a load off of my shoulders it is to not feel like I have to work on attaining the life I imagined before. It is comforting to know it is okay to make modifications  to my vision of success that include the harmonious marriage of my role as mom and my entrepreneur dreams. Yes, the picture looks different, but at least the picture is possible. What I wanted before was impossible, no wonder I wasn't getting anywhere.

It's a little sad that it took me three years, but I am finally done being mad, sad, frustrated, annoyed and  bitter because I can't have it the way I thought it would or should have been. I am now in the process of figuring out... What does success look like, for me, now? How can I work from home, on my goals, while caring for my little one? What resources do I have that I can actually afford that will help me? How can I include my son in this? 

I have been putting into practice a few principles from Getting Things Done and I am in the process of organizing my life in a way that takes all things into account harmoniously instead of trying to keep each aspect of my life neatly in a separate box.

Pray for me!

Comments

  1. Sunshine! The more I read about you, the more I feel we're connected telepathically. I have a 2yr old and let me tell ya-it ain't easy! But I'm learning to balance everything. Before I use to avoid calling clients because I knew they'd have to battle with a cranky toddler for my attention. Now I just call anyway. Cuz here's what I discovered. Most of my clients are entrepreneurs with kids and totally understand. They've seen the quality of my work so they know I can & will deliver. It also humanizes the whole experience. I'm not just a business providing a service. I'm a mom that deals with the same issues they do. And I found that letting "mom" coexist with "entrepreneur" totally helps my bottom line & sanity! Praying for our continued balance. Wishing you lot of success Sistah.In.My.Head :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. As a father who has a son and a relationship with his mother that I am amazed of everyday I hear you. I sometime feel like I am not doing enough or in some cases that I fail at being what I want to be and what he needs me to be. I have to remind myself and encourage myself everyday that I have to win the day. I often call to speak with my son (I live in a different state) and it reminds me how special it is to be a mother. I can only imagine what you and other mothers go through. You give so much of yourself in all that you do that I can imagine that sometimes you feel like you have nothing. Know that God has given you all that you need so that you can have all that he has promised you. You are special because you are a mother and know I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

    #DatIshKray

    ReplyDelete
  3. Do you ever get out and have personal time to yourself? With friends? That really helps me. I can only imagine how you feel not having your husband home because of his service to our country and you working from from home. I have worked from home before and I know it can get over whelming. What helps me is understanding that this is a responsibility required of us by God and He wants us to do everything joyfully, unto Him. Read Proverbs 31. I also read other blogs that help me understand and enjoy my responsibilities more and more with each passing week.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Here's an inspiring and encouraging post from another sahm: http://wearethetabbs.blogspot.com/2012/12/here-is-reason-i-could-certainly-be.html

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

As always, thanks for reading and commenting! I love the feedback.

Popular Posts