Reconciling My Life
As horrible as it sounds, I was not all that happy with my role as "mom". I love my son and I love my family but the day to day and the level of commitment required to care for a little one was so overwhelming that I found myself extremely dissatisfied with my new role. Any new mom will tell you, there is nothing that can prepare you for the drastic change that occurs when you introduce a child into your life. So, for a long while, I have tried to contain my new role as mom and keep it from taking over my life too much. ( I know that sounds crazy!) I wanted to still be able to accomplish all the goals I had set for my life (in the time frame I wanted) while still being a fabulous mommy. I have tried to keep mommy in one box and all my other life goals in another box.
No matter how hard I tried it seemed like the mommy box kept expanding and it was consuming all the time and energy I had, leaving nothing to go into the ever shrinking "goal accomplishing" box. Because I was trying so hard to keep these things independent of each other, I found myself very unhappy in the role of mom because it was (in essence) keeping me from my goals.
Then, somehow, someway, Sunday night I thought, "They don't have to be in opposition of each other!They can live in harmony!" (The two boxes, that is.)
Previously, I had a picture in my mind of what success would look like. And I have put all my energy into making that picture a reality. That picture is what has kept me in this constant struggle. That picture was the pre-baby edition. Now that I am post baby, that picture needs an update. But, for the three years that I have had my son, I have not made that update. I've just been trying to squeeze my old picture into the new situation. It was much like trying to wear a pair of size six jeans when you have clearly been promoted to a size eight. Of course you would come to despise the extra weight you have put on, it is what's holding you back from wearing the jeans you so desperately want to fit into. But if there is no way on earth for you to lose those extra pounds, how long are you going to try to squeeze into the six before you just buy a new pair and rock those?!
How long have I been trying to squeeze into that six when I am clearly an eight and will be an eight for the rest of my life? It is time for me to buy the eight and be fab in those!
Sunday night, I thought, "Sunshine you are a mom. Your son is home with you. Even though you wanted to be able to work a 'regular' schedule without a child sitting in your office or demanding that you play train with him and sing humpty dumpty... Guess what! You are a mom! And you have the pleasure of being home with him right now and working from home. You can teach him and love him and experience him while still going after what you want! Will it be easy? Will it be the same as being able to work totally uninterrupted? No! But do you want your new picture of success?Then make it work. And stop trying to separate the two parts of you. Reconcile them and find a way to have them live in harmony with each other."
I feel so much more peace. I cannot tell you what a load off of my shoulders it is to not feel like I have to work on attaining the life I imagined before. It is comforting to know it is okay to make modifications to my vision of success that include the harmonious marriage of my role as mom and my entrepreneur dreams. Yes, the picture looks different, but at least the picture is possible. What I wanted before was impossible, no wonder I wasn't getting anywhere.
It's a little sad that it took me three years, but I am finally done being mad, sad, frustrated, annoyed and bitter because I can't have it the way I thought it would or should have been. I am now in the process of figuring out... What does success look like, for me, now? How can I work from home, on my goals, while caring for my little one? What resources do I have that I can actually afford that will help me? How can I include my son in this?
I have been putting into practice a few principles from Getting Things Done and I am in the process of organizing my life in a way that takes all things into account harmoniously instead of trying to keep each aspect of my life neatly in a separate box.
Pray for me!