I prayed through yesterday.
There were two moments in particular where I felt like prayer was the only way to cope. In one instance I had made up my mind that I just had to record a video for NatSun. In my mind it seemed, if I did not get the video done, things would just fall apart. So I began frantically searching for good lighting in the house. Dimeji was supposed to be taking a nap, but wasn't, so I was attempting to find good light and record the video, all with him on my heels. I became very frustrated!
Not only could I not find good lighting, but my voice sounded terrible on camera since I was having an allergic reaction to...I don't even know what! As the frustration began to rise, I thought, "This is too hard! Why am I working so hard to get this video done? Everything else seems to working against me. I am now all of a sudden annoyed with my son, when up until this moment we have been having a great day. I am beginning to feel overwhelmed at my lack of accomplishment when the truth is, today has been going quite well. It is time to pray through!" After praying, I felt released from recording the video and I was able to move on.
I also thought good thoughts. Yay me!
One of the biggest things that has held me back in the past and sometimes sneaks up on me even now, is these horrible and nagging thoughts in the back of my mind of how many times I have tried and failed. Thoughts of how many times I have declared "This time I am going to..." only to fall flat on my face again. Add to those thoughts the ammunition of, "And you blogged/vlogged about it, so everyone knows how much of a failure you are." I have been taunted by thoughts of, "They are all sick of you and your failed attempts and all of your whining!"
Yesterday, such thoughts attempted to come upon me and slow down my momentum. But then I remembered something I read that said, "as long as you are still trying, you are winning." All of sudden I began to rebuke those evil thoughts and I reminded myself, that the only difference between me and successful people is, they didn't give up or give in when the going got tough. I recounted all of the stories of people who kept going after what they wanted in life until they got it. Now that they are successful, no one is referring to all the times they failed, we're just celebrating the fact they arrived at their destination!
I began to encourage myself that what I am going through, as I fail my way towards my goals, is just me paying my dues. As long and I do not give up, I am succeeding. The only way I would be a failure is if I decided today, "You know what? I've tried and tried and I am still not where I want to be so I'm just gonna stop and do something else. Something easier." That would be me failing.
I also gave myself permission yesterday to be where I am. I have been looking toward the finish line with such desperation that my currently not being there annoys me. Normally. But yesterday I thought, "You are still figuring everything out and it's okay! You don't have to be at the finish line today." That was a comforting thought.
I fail at times to take into consideration the circumstances of my life and I expect myself to perform, at a super human pace no matter what. I don't allow myself grace for the fact that I am a young, military wife and mom, with no steady support system in place since we move all the time. I have a young child (who is home full time again) who demands my attention. My primary role, despite my desire to work like I have no strings attached, is to be a wife and mother. All of these are things I need to learn to juggle, so it is unfair for me to expect myself to perform like a single woman or a woman who lives in her home town with family and life longs friends around for help. I am me, and I have to figure out how to accomplish my goals with the hand I have been dealt and stop comparing myself to a person with a different hand.
If I had to sum up the day and what I learned I would say:
I am learning how to be me and accept my own limitations. Before, I thought of my limitations as my weaknesses and therefore I ignored them. I attempted to be who and what I wanted without even considering my limitations. I am learning that it is actually to my advantage to acknowledge my limitations and learn how to soar within them.
There were two moments in particular where I felt like prayer was the only way to cope. In one instance I had made up my mind that I just had to record a video for NatSun. In my mind it seemed, if I did not get the video done, things would just fall apart. So I began frantically searching for good lighting in the house. Dimeji was supposed to be taking a nap, but wasn't, so I was attempting to find good light and record the video, all with him on my heels. I became very frustrated!
Not only could I not find good lighting, but my voice sounded terrible on camera since I was having an allergic reaction to...I don't even know what! As the frustration began to rise, I thought, "This is too hard! Why am I working so hard to get this video done? Everything else seems to working against me. I am now all of a sudden annoyed with my son, when up until this moment we have been having a great day. I am beginning to feel overwhelmed at my lack of accomplishment when the truth is, today has been going quite well. It is time to pray through!" After praying, I felt released from recording the video and I was able to move on.
I also thought good thoughts. Yay me!
One of the biggest things that has held me back in the past and sometimes sneaks up on me even now, is these horrible and nagging thoughts in the back of my mind of how many times I have tried and failed. Thoughts of how many times I have declared "This time I am going to..." only to fall flat on my face again. Add to those thoughts the ammunition of, "And you blogged/vlogged about it, so everyone knows how much of a failure you are." I have been taunted by thoughts of, "They are all sick of you and your failed attempts and all of your whining!"
Yesterday, such thoughts attempted to come upon me and slow down my momentum. But then I remembered something I read that said, "as long as you are still trying, you are winning." All of sudden I began to rebuke those evil thoughts and I reminded myself, that the only difference between me and successful people is, they didn't give up or give in when the going got tough. I recounted all of the stories of people who kept going after what they wanted in life until they got it. Now that they are successful, no one is referring to all the times they failed, we're just celebrating the fact they arrived at their destination!
I began to encourage myself that what I am going through, as I fail my way towards my goals, is just me paying my dues. As long and I do not give up, I am succeeding. The only way I would be a failure is if I decided today, "You know what? I've tried and tried and I am still not where I want to be so I'm just gonna stop and do something else. Something easier." That would be me failing.
I also gave myself permission yesterday to be where I am. I have been looking toward the finish line with such desperation that my currently not being there annoys me. Normally. But yesterday I thought, "You are still figuring everything out and it's okay! You don't have to be at the finish line today." That was a comforting thought.
I fail at times to take into consideration the circumstances of my life and I expect myself to perform, at a super human pace no matter what. I don't allow myself grace for the fact that I am a young, military wife and mom, with no steady support system in place since we move all the time. I have a young child (who is home full time again) who demands my attention. My primary role, despite my desire to work like I have no strings attached, is to be a wife and mother. All of these are things I need to learn to juggle, so it is unfair for me to expect myself to perform like a single woman or a woman who lives in her home town with family and life longs friends around for help. I am me, and I have to figure out how to accomplish my goals with the hand I have been dealt and stop comparing myself to a person with a different hand.
If I had to sum up the day and what I learned I would say:
I am learning how to be me and accept my own limitations. Before, I thought of my limitations as my weaknesses and therefore I ignored them. I attempted to be who and what I wanted without even considering my limitations. I am learning that it is actually to my advantage to acknowledge my limitations and learn how to soar within them.
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