For right now, I give myself permission not to care!
Today I had an epiphany! It's been some weeks in the making and I wish I could remember each and every step it took to get me to this point, but today I had what Oprah used to call, an "Aha!" moment.
For quite some time, maybe since Dimeji was born, I have had this struggle. It has mostly gone on inside my mind, but it has been a huge issue. I have been struggling with how I ought to dress. When I had my son, it was, "Okay, now that I'm a mom I need to dress like a mom." Then it was, "Okay, now that I am business woman, I need to dress like a business woman." Then it was, "Okay, now that I am a Christian, I need to dress like a Christian." It has been such an issue that getting dressed to leave the house was turning into a dreaded event.
Since I have worked from home since I was pregnant, I have not had much of a reason to really shop. That, coupled with the fact that we have lived in very small towns with not many places to go, left me feeling that being fashion forward wasn't all that necessary. Add that all together and that leaves me with a very small wardrobe. And the wardrobe I do have is appropriate in the house and not too many other places. I enjoy being flirtatious with my husband so most of my house clothes are for his eyes only. When I do need to get dressed to leave out, I am left trying to piece something together that won't have me attracting unwanted attention.
The last time I lived in a city that inspired me to get dressed was during my sexy phase of life. I was a party girl who lived for the night hours. I was always going to clubs and swanky restaurants and hotel bars. So I dressed accordingly. I always wore things that showed off my (hard earned) figure. High hem lines, low neck lines... I dressed like a hot girl, a somewhat classy hot girl, but a hot girl non-the-less. So having a baby, becoming a Christian and spending my night times hours in the bed instead of in the club, have left me asking, "How should I be dressing now?!"
At one point I was so confused about how to dress I looked to my husband to direct me. He wanted me in business attire. But I didn't feel comfortable in it. I mean, I worked at home, so the addition of business attire in my wardrobe made me want to leave out the house because I couldn't justify sitting at home wearing a suit. Needless to say, my business phase didn't last long, and there is a great suit sitting in my garage as we speak.
....LONG drawn out story short...
Lately, I had really begun to grow weary over this issue. Getting dressed, like I said, was becoming something I would dread. I didn't want to look too sexy. I didn't want to look like I was trying too hard when everyone else around me looked like they just rolled out of bed. I didn't want to look like....
Last night I was watching the celebration the Miami Heat were having over their championship and Lebron James said something in his interview that I will never forget. He said (and I am loosely quoting him), "I learned that I can't control what people say about me. I can't control what people think about me. All I can do is be true to myself and to the people I love." Last night I lay in bed and thought about what he said. I even wrote it down in my journal. I started thinking, "He is right!" All the issues about how I "ought" to dress came from me trying to control, with my wardrobe, what people said or thought about me. And the truth is, I can't control that. All I can do is be true to myself and to those who I love (which includes Jesus Christ).
So today, I felt so much relief when I decided this;
"Today I am a blogger and a vlogger. I work from home and spend the majority of my time there. I am working on my business plan, and until I am in the field, actually pushing my product, I don't have to dress like a super professional business woman. What I wear in and around the house is just fine. When I do go out, my clothes are not ultra sexy or inappropriate nor I am dressing in a way to seek male attention, so I am not going to second guess my decisions anymore. I have long ago stopped wearing hot girls clothes out of the house and the things I do wear out of the house are modest yet cute. I am done with all the back and forth in my mind over what people think about how I dress. For right now, I give myself permission not to care!"
I feel so much better!