Sometimes I Just don't WANT to Pray!
Yesterday I was down, I was in a pretty bad place. I threw myself a pity party and sulked about what was 'happening to me'. I talked to my husband about it and after I was done complaining, he said, "All I can tell you is to pray. Only God can help you."
Wow! Sounds like the same stuff I'm always suggesting.
Last night I went to sleep without praying about my situation. I guess I was too comfortable wallowing in self pity to do anything to actually change things, like pray. Sometimes, actually a lot of times, when I am smack dab in the middle of a painful situation, I DO NOT want to pray. The thought of praying about it makes me even more upset at times.
One; because sometimes I just want to be mad or sad or feel sorry for myself. Two; I'm human and my flesh (which has to be forced into cooperation with the will of the Father and the Spirit) does not want to be deflated or denied.
The only way to successfully live according to Gods word is to die to self. Meaning, make a decision not to do what may feel good or what comes naturally, but to go against it. I know that asking my Father for help, means the childish part of me, that wants to point the finger at everyone else, and use other peoples behaviors as justification for feeling the way I feel, has to be put to bed.
So, many times, I'd rather not pray because I don't want to look at myself and MY mess. Last night was no exception.
I had worn myself out by feeling sorry for myself all day and just fell into sleep without so much as a word to my Father.I woke up today with leftover pity all over me. I attempted to start my day anyway, but then I was reminded of my own words. I remebered a video I just did in which I said you should talk to God more than you talk to anyone else. And there I was doing exactly what I spoke against.
As soon as those words to came to mind, I went back into my room to begin my long over due talk with my Father. I reread some scriptures I studied on Saturday and I prayed. I told my Father what my situation was and then I asked him to intervene, help me and give me strength.
After my conversation with my Father I felt much better. And I really didn't think I would. I was (surprisingly) shocked that I felt better. There was a part of me that didn't think prayer was actually going to be the answer.Yes, I admit it. I don't always run to the feet of my Father, sometimes I reluctantly drag myself.
After my talk, like I said, I felt better. It felt good to unload the burdens of my heart. Later on, I began to feel powerful again and the message I received was, "Take back your power". The whole situation and my emotional distress was all a result of me playing the victim, acting like everything was happening to me. Like everything was out of my hands. I behaved like and became a defeated participant in my own life.
I needed to take back my power and determine what I was going to do, what my attitude was going to be etc.
But the whole point here is: No, it is not always easy to run to God with everything, but it's always worth it!
(This was originally written Monday March 7, 2011)